


lay here, it's safe here

by lunardance



Series: solangelo one-shots [4]
Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types
Genre: Depressed Nico, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Graphic Depictions of Illness, Heavy Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Non-Explicit Sex, Supportive Reyna, Supportive Will, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-19
Updated: 2017-03-19
Packaged: 2018-10-07 16:55:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10365237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunardance/pseuds/lunardance
Summary: In times like this, when his boyfriend’s condition deteriorates due to his grief, Will feels helpless.Depression is the monster under your bed, in your closet; the monster that invades your mind and makes you believe things that aren’t true, that there’s no more hope and no more love and no more life. It grips you with its claws and growls all of your mistakes into your ears, all of your doubts and fears.It’s the monster that Will wishes he could slay but knows he can’t. No, it has to be Nico.





	

**Author's Note:**

> lmao so I started this back in _September_ , I'm the best writer you guys. Smfh.
> 
> Anyway, this fic is meant to depict depression from an outside POV. As someone who's struggled with depression for most of her life, I wanted to describe how it feels to someone who may have their own interpretation based on what they've observed in others, so in a sense, Will is kind of an audience surrogate here, I guess? Also, it's kind of AU, kind of not? I intentionally left it ambiguous so you can decide for yourself if this applies to your canon or not. Keep in mind that everyone's adults in this fic.
> 
> Please heed the warnings and take care of yourself. If you feel that reading this is going to leave you emotionally compromised, then maybe it's better that you steer clear. And please know that you're not alone in this, you're _never_ alone.
> 
> Title is from ["Broken Open"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bnOnzeOv4BI) by Adam Lambert, and also serves as general inspiration for the fic as a whole.

Depression is cruel.

Will reaches over to silence the shrill beeping of his alarm clock, blindly groping around the night stand until his hand finds the infernal contraption.

Once he manages to quell the noise, he slowly sits up and rubs at his tired eyes. He spares a glance at the bright red numbers of the clock - _6:30 AM_ \- as the room is still mostly dark, save for the pale shades of grey filtering in through the windows.

 _It’s supposed to rain today,_ his brain reminds him.

Biting back a yawn, Will takes a moment to stretch and pop his back, then turns to the body laying next to him.

A pair of dull, dark, bloodshot eyes stare unblinkingly up at the ceiling, and Will frowns.

Depression is unfair.

It had been a rough night. He’d been awakened by the sound of his boyfriend screaming and crying - just like the night before, and the night before that - and Will had instantly been at his side, holding him and whispering words of comfort into his ears until the sobs stopped.

And just like the previous nights, it doesn’t look like Nico had been able to go back to sleep.

Will heaves a sigh. He supposes he can’t blame him; he’d long since learned that Nico’s dreams would continue to haunt him even during his waking hours. _I see it all over again every time I close my eyes,_ Nico had said to him once: flashes of electricity, the sound of power lines snapping, the scent of blood and burnt flesh, long black curls and a voice he would never hear again.

Will understands. He really does. But in times like this, when his boyfriend’s condition deteriorates due to his grief, Will feels helpless.

Depression is the monster under your bed, in your closet; the monster that invades your mind and makes you believe things that aren’t true, that there’s no more hope and no more love and no more life. It grips you with its claws and growls all of your mistakes into your ears, all of your doubts and fears.

It’s the monster that Will wishes he could slay but knows he can’t. No, it has to be Nico.

He strokes Nico’s tangled black hair for a moment before leaning down to press a kiss to his forehead. “Morning, love,” he murmurs, brushing a few strands of hair out of his face. “Couldn’t fall asleep again?”

Nico blinks slowly and turns his gaze toward Will, letting out a shallow breath, and that’s as much of a response as Will’s going to get.

Will bites his lip. “I’ve got to get ready for work, hon. I’ll make you some breakfast if you’re feeling up to it?”

He gets a short nod this time, then kisses Nico’s forehead again and launches into his morning routine that has become almost robotic to him over time.

He’s in the middle of taming his unruly bedhead when he spies movement in his peripheral vision, and he peeks out the bathroom door to see Nico slowly maneuvering his legs over the edge of their bed. He rubs his eyes and reaches down to pluck one of Will’s t-shirts off of the floor, pulling it over his head.

Will smiles to himself. On days like this, Nico’s hard-pressed to even get out of bed - depression is _exhausting_ \- so seeing him sitting up and moving around is a good sign, he thinks. _He’s strong, he’s_ so _strong,_ Will tells himself, _he can beat this._

Later, when he’s moved on to the kitchen and started the coffee, Nico quietly shuffles in and curls up on the sofa. Will shoots him a smile as he prepares a small breakfast for him, mentally crossing his fingers that Nico will eat more than a couple of bites this time.

When the coffee finishes, he moves to sit next to Nico, setting a mug down on the small table in front of them alongside a plate of peanut butter toast and sliced apple.

They sit there quietly for a few minutes until Will breaks the silence.

“I want you to try and get some more sleep today,” he says, sipping on his own coffee. “Reyna’s coming soon, so you won’t be alone.”

Nico wordlessly nods again as he sucks on a piece of fruit.

Will quietly watches him for a moment, then sighs and scoots closer so he can tug Nico up against his side. “You gonna rest for me today, babe?”

Nico picks up a slice of toast and nibbles on a corner.

Will lowers his voice and fixes his eyes on Nico’s. “I know you’ve been fighting this one for a long time. I just want you to know that it’s alright to take a while to recover, okay? Let yourself heal a little bit before going back into battle.”

He had once explained to Will that depression was like a war, fighting off the monsters in his mind. Vicious beasts that had repeated over and over, _you’re worthless. It’s your fault that she’s gone. You don’t deserve to live._ And ever since then, they’d used the war metaphor to reference it - making it simpler and easier to understand had helped Nico become more comfortable with expressing how he was feeling.

Nico swallows and acknowledges him with another nod. Will continues to sip at his coffee in silence, rubbing slow circles into his boyfriend’s back.

Nico’s about halfway through his piece of toast when there’s a knock on the door of their apartment.

“It’s open,” Will calls out, and Reyna lets herself in.

They greet each other with sympathetic smiles, and Will finds himself lost in thought when Reyna focuses her attention on Nico.

He wishes his work schedule weren’t so demanding; such is the life of those in the medical field. He’s alright with leaving Nico by himself most days - he knows his boyfriend greatly values his alone time and is quite capable of finding his own amusement - but on days like this, when the cold grip of mental illness takes hold, Will can’t help but worry. He knows that when the monsters get the better of Nico, it’s all too easy for him to spiral further and further downward until he’s all but catatonic with despair.

Those are the times when Will worries the most. Those are the times when Will wants to be at Nico’s side the most, to hold him and whisper words of encouragement and kiss his frown away, to chase the monsters off, if only for a little while.

But, medicine is a time-consuming career, so as much as Will wishes he could stay home to support Nico through his battles, he knows that he has his own duties to attend to.

Fortunately, Reyna is strong-willed and more than capable of protecting Nico when he’s fallen, so Will is comfortable leaving him in her hands.

With a kiss to the top of Nico’s head and the promise to check in during his break, Will reluctantly heads off into the cloudy morning.

* * *

  **FROM: Reyna, 7:54 AM** **  
** _He had trouble keeping breakfast down again._

 

 **FROM: Reyna, 9:39 AM**  
_Finally got him to lay down about an hour ago, but he couldn’t sleep._

 

 **FROM: Reyna, 9:46 AM**  
_Tried to get him to talk to me, but he just broke down…_

 **FROM: Reyna, 9:47 AM**  
_I can’t stand seeing him like this._

 

 **FROM: Reyna, 11:06 AM**  
_Managed to catch Hazel on Skype. They got to talk for a while._

 **FROM: Reyna, 11:06 AM**  
_It really helped him mellow out._

 **FROM: Reyna, 11:08 AM**  
_[A picture of Nico in front of Reyna’s laptop, holding his head in his hands. An image of a concerned-looking Hazel is shown on the computer screen.]_

 

 **FROM: Reyna, 12:35 PM**  
_Jason called to check up on him. I put Nico on the phone, but he didn’t have much to say._

 **FROM: Reyna, 12:36 PM**  
_He did smile a little bit, though, so Jason must have done something right._

* * *

 When Will finally goes on break, the first thing he does is check his phone. When he reads the first few texts, the bubble of worry in the pit of his stomach threatens to boil over and he highly considers taking off early, but the last couple of messages are enough to quell his anxiety.

He’s had trouble focusing ever since he left the apartment; Kayla had called him out on it the moment she’d seen him. She’d made him sit down for a while to try and get his act together, and it had worked for most of the morning, but…

He’s always seeing little things that make him think of Nico: the tiny skull sticker on the back of his employee badge (Nico had put it there). A patient he’d seen had the same blood type as Nico (O-negative, the universal donor). The picture of the two of them on his desk (they had just graduated from college and were sharing a passionate kiss). His secretary had asked about Nico’s absence (he brought Will lunch almost every day).

By the time one o’clock rolled around, she had set aside her paperwork and told him to take his break early, and he’d been reluctant yet all too quick to agree. No matter how much he insisted how “fine” he was, Lou Ellen had always seen right through him and never hesitated to call him on it.

That also makes him think of Nico, and he misses his boyfriend’s usual snark.

When he finishes reading his texts in the privacy of his office, Will immediately dials up Reyna.

They exchange greetings, and Will tells her how distracted he’s been all day. Reyna sympathizes; she’s quick to put Nico on the line, and Will bites his lip at the tired sigh he hears.

“Hey, hon,” Will greets gently, “how are you feeling?”

“ _Fine,_ ” Nico replies, though they both know he’s not.

Will doesn’t know why he expected anything different. “Reyna said your breakfast gave you a little trouble. Have you eaten anything else?”

“ _No._ ”

“Did you get any sleep?”

“ _No._ ”

Will frowns. He’d known the answer before he even asked the question, but it doesn’t lessen his worry. “...I heard you got to talk to Hazel and Jason,” he changes the subject, “how did that go?”

“ _Good._ ”

“That’s good, I’m glad…” With a sigh, Will resigns himself to the one-word answers that he’d known were coming. At this point, all he can think about is the desire to go home early and hold Nico until they fall asleep.

Depression is draining.

Will sits there and just talks to Nico for a while, telling him how his day has gone so far. He talks about the little reminders - how he’s always thinking about Nico, _always_ \- and how Lou Ellen had asked about him. Nico doesn’t respond much, but that’s okay; Will knows how soothing the sound of his voice is to his boyfriend, so just being able to give him that much puts Will at ease.

Eventually, he looks at the clock on his desk. “Hey, um, I’d better get some lunch and let you rest. I’ll see you when I get home tonight, okay, hon?”

“ _Kay._ ”

“I love you, Nico. You know that, right?”

“ _...yeah. You too._ ”

The phone is passed back to Reyna, and a few more worried words are exchanged before Will ends the call and sets his phone on the desk, burying his face in his hands.

Depression is merciless.

* * *

  **FROM: Reyna, 1:49 PM** **  
** _Permission to take him to McDonald’s? I’m kind of desperate._

 **TO: Reyna, 1:50 PM**  
_yeah, that’s fine. I just want him to eat something even if it is greasy garbage_

 **FROM: Reyna, 1:50 PM**  
_Noted._

 

 **FROM: Reyna, 2:17 PM**  
_Decided to walk instead of drive since it’s only a couple of blocks away._

 **FROM: Reyna, 2:17 PM**  
_It’s humid, but the fresh air will do him some good._

 

 **FROM: Reyna, 3:01 PM**  
_[A picture of Nico looking disgruntled as he sips on a straw, a half-eaten chicken nugget in his hand.]_

 

 **FROM: Reyna, 3:37 PM**  
_On our way back. It smells like rain._

 

 **FROM: Reyna, 4:13 PM**  
_We’re home, but it started pouring down halfway there._

 **FROM: Reyna, 4:13 PM**  
_We both got completely soaked. I’ve got Nico bundled up in towels and blankets for now, and I’m working on some tea._

 

 **FROM: Reyna, 5:45 PM**  
_He told me about his nightmare. It was different than usual…_

 

 **FROM: Reyna, 6:32 PM**  
_[A blurry webcam photo of Nico with his head on Reyna’s lap. His eyes are closed, and she’s petting his hair.]_

 **FROM: Reyna, 6:33 PM**  
_Finally._

 **FROM: Reyna, 6:33 PM**  
_He’s been so exhausted all day._

 

 **FROM: Reyna, 7:21 PM** **  
** _Well, so much for that. He woke up. At least you’re off soon._

 **TO: Reyna, 7:22 PM**  
_actually I’m on the bus now_

 **TO: Reyna, 7:22 PM**  
_Kayla & Lou p much forced me to clock out early _

**FROM: Reyna, 7:24 PM** **  
** _Good. Nico’s been asking for you. I think he’s still half-asleep._

 **TO: Reyna, 7:25 PM** **  
** _:(_

 **TO: Reyna, 7:25 PM** **  
** _give him a kiss for me. I’ll be home in a little while_

 **FROM: Reyna, 7:26 PM**  
_Alright. See you soon._

* * *

 As soon as Will steps into the apartment, he finds himself holding a bundle of blankets.

A small smile creeps up on his face as he gingerly lifts the topmost fold to reveal a mess of black hair underneath. “Hey, you.”

Nico grunts in response, twining his arms around Will’s waist.

Reyna catches Will’s eye as she stands up to pack her laptop away. There’s a look of relief in her eyes as she smiles over at them, moving over to rub at Nico’s back through the blankets.

She guides Nico to sit back down, and as Will retrieves some leftovers from the fridge, she gives him a short rundown of the evening: after she and Nico had returned from their walk, dripping wet, she’d tried to convince him to take a warm shower, to no avail - he just didn’t have the energy for it, she says.

Will keeps his eyes on his boyfriend, concerned. He seems to have relaxed a bit since his nap, Reyna says, but the dark circles beneath Nico’s eyes show that he’s far from okay.

She bids them both goodbye shortly after - _“let me know if you need anything”_ \- and Will puts his food away before flopping down on the sofa next to Nico.

Nico immediately presses against his side, and Will sighs softly, wrapping his arms around the blanket burrito. “You alright, baby?”

“Long day,” Nico groans, his voice muffled.

Will bends down to press a kiss into his hair. He smells like rain. “Yeah, me too. Did you eat?”

“A little.”

“And your medicine?”

“I took it.”

They exchange a bit of quiet chatter - well, Will does most of the talking - and when he reaches underneath Nico’s blankets to tug him into his lap, he realizes that Nico is cold to the touch.

He runs his hands down Nico’s sides, back, arms, face, and the smaller man shivers and huddles closer as if he’s trying to steal Will’s warmth. “Nico, hon, you’re freezing,” he says softly, pulling the blankets tighter around them.

“No shit,” Nico replies, and he takes the snark as a good sign.

“You got caught in the rain earlier. You should’ve taken a hot shower.”

“Too tired.”

Will frowns at his words, and shifts so that he can slowly stand. “C’mon, let’s get you warmed up. I’ll wash your hair if you want,” he suggests, tugging at Nico’s hands.

With Will’s help, Nico pulls himself to his feet, leaving his many blankets behind.

He’s only wearing a tank top and boxers.

“Nico,” Will starts, giving him That Look, “no _wonder_ you’re so cold. Reyna actually let you wear so little after getting rained on?”

Nico looks mildly guilty, and his response is quiet. “She didn’t… I had the blankets.”

Will forces himself to hold back the exasperated sigh that wells up in his lungs. He doesn’t know why he’s so surprised, really - Nico’s sense of self-preservation has always been more than a little stunted. It frustrates Will to no end, it makes his inner doctor want to come out in full force, makes him want to keep Nico in bed and hold him until the monsters leave him alone.

But, as Will definitely knows, depression is a black hole that sucks all of your energy out of your body, all of your emotions, your capacity to care for your own well-being. He doesn’t fault Nico for that, not now, not ever.

Gently, he leads Nico into the bathroom. He moves to tug off Nico’s shirt, but Nico’s already beat him to the punch, and Will lets out a breath.

Even when he’s suffering so, he’s still adamant about doing things himself.

It’s little things like that, that tells Will he’s still fighting.

Once they’re both undressed, he steps into the shower stall and turns on the water, adjusting the temperature until he knows it’s what they both like; he takes Nico’s hand and pulls him in as well, guiding him underneath the warm spray.

Nico releases a long breath, and Will can feel him start to relax. He wraps his arms around Nico’s waist and pulls him close so that his back is pressed against Will’s chest, warming him from all sides. Nico leans back into him, letting his head fall onto Will’s shoulder; they stay like that for several minutes, letting the water rinse away the smell of petrichor and exhaustion, before Nico reaches for his shampoo.

Will starts to take the bottle from him, but Nico pours it into his own hand before scrubbing it into his hair, and Will squeezes his shoulder in encouragement.

The vibrant scent of strawberries and mint floods the whole room. It’s one of Will’s favorites - it reminds him of warm summer days and picking the fresh fruit and laughter and strawberry flavored kisses.

He helps Nico work the soap into a rich lather, massaging the shorter man’s scalp, running his fingers through the thick strands. If it were a normal day, maybe they’d be making soap mohawks or dabbing suds on each other’s noses; Will would likely be doing an intentionally bad rendition of Erasure’s “ _Always_ ” until Nico rolls his eyes and shuts him up with his own mouth.

By the way that Nico’s hands drop and let Will’s take over, he knows it’s not a normal day.

“Turn around,” he quietly instructs, and Nico turns to face him, ducking his head back under the spray.

Will gazes down at Nico’s face as he rinses the soap away in gentle caresses, stroking his fingers along Nico’s cheekbones and jawlines and neck. Nico has always been gorgeous to him, but as he stares up at Will with those shattered-glass eyes, Will feels his heart break a little.

 _How can something so_ broken _still be beautiful,_ Nico had asked him once.

Will had explained something he’d learned from a coworker: the Japanese art of _kintsugi_ , repairing broken pottery with golden lacquer. When someone shatters a ceramic plate, their first instinct is to clean it up and throw away the shards. But in _kintsugi_ , the piece is reassembled, the cracks mended by shimmering gold. Just because the plate is broken doesn’t make it any less useful - the gilded cracks hold the shards together, and it’s an incredible sight.

There’s also a philosophy behind the practice: the cracks represent an event in someone’s life, something that completely changes them. Their world may be falling apart, but then comes the gold to rebuild it, making them stronger and more beautiful than ever. There’s no attempt to hide the damage; instead, the flaws and imperfections are embraced as a part of the whole being.

The answer that Will had given his boyfriend was simple - maybe some things were beautiful _because_ they had been broken and repaired.

Will has always thought that philosophy applied to Nico and himself, too. Nico has never been an object to be fixed, but on days like today, when he hides himself in Will’s arms and cries about how he’s shattering, splintering, _breaking_ from the inside out, Will puts him back together. Will gathers the broken pieces and mends them together with golden kisses, and deep down he knows that Nico is still so, _so_ strong. He breaks, but with Will’s help, he fixes himself and comes out of it sturdier than before.

And now, as he brushes the droplets out of Nico’s eyes - he doesn’t know whether they’re from the shower or if they’re _tears_ \- Will begins to pick up the pieces.

Gently holding Nico’s face between his hands, Will leans down to brush his lips against Nico’s forehead, his eyelids, his cheeks, his chin. Nico closes his eyes and sighs like he’s coming home, and he lets his body fall against Will’s, winding his lean arms around Will’s shoulders.

Will takes a washcloth and soaps it up before lightly scrubbing at Nico’s back, his hand moving in slow, soothing motions, massaging out all of the tension and heartbreak.

He starts to pull away to wash his boyfriend’s front side, but Nico clings to him, keeping his face buried in Will’s neck.

He’s trembling.

Will drops the washcloth and holds him tightly.

He presses kisses into Nico’s hair, whispering soft words of reassurance until the shaking stops.

 _You’re so beautiful, Nico, so strong. You’re the strongest person I know. You’re not weak for feeling like this, you’re not weak for crying. It’s okay to be sad sometimes. It’s okay to be vulnerable. I love you, I’m here for you, I always will be, I love you,_ I love you.

Depression is a liar that tells you that you’re a terrible person, that you’re a burden to your friends, that eventually they’ll leave you. There is no end to the falsehoods that the demons in your head scream at you.

Will doesn’t like liars.

Eventually, Nico stills. He pulls back from the embrace and averts his eyes, wiping at them with his hand. Will bends down to drop another kiss to the top of Nico’s head and gently lifts his chin.

His eyes still don’t meet Will’s. They’re red around the edges, watery with unshed tears.

Will wipes them away with his thumb before guiding their lips together.

The kiss is slow and soft, yet Will tries to pour in all of the love and comfort he can, the things he feels for this amazing man - this man who has carried the weight of the world on his shoulders and lived to tell the tale, this man with the most heart-wrenching sobs and the most beautiful laugh, this man who Will has devoted his heart and soul to, letting him fight for himself but always being there for support.

This brave, loving man who holds more pain and suffering than anyone should ever have to, but brightens up the world with his smile.

Will would do anything to make sure that smile never fades.

He starts to pull back from the kiss, but Nico buries his hands into wet golden curls and draws him back in, kissing Will like it’s the last time they’ll ever see each other. Will is surprised by the sudden intensity, but he returns it all the same, pulling Nico’s body flush against his own.

When the heat begins to overtake them, Nico pulls back, and they finish their shower in silence.

After blow-drying Nico’s hair and combing it to a soft, silky sheen, Will leads him back to the bedroom.

“Do you need anything?” he asks, “a drink, something to eat?”

Predictably, Nico shakes his head and sits down on the bed without bothering to put anything on.

Will sighs quietly, threading his fingers through his boyfriend’s dark hair; Nico leans into the touch, placing his hand over Will’s. His eyes close in exhaustion, and for a moment, Will almost wonders if he’s going to fall asleep right then and there.

“At least take your sleep meds,” Will gently urges. Nico nods at that, and Will returns to the bathroom to retrieve it for him.

He looks through the medicine cabinet, mentally reciting Nico’s laundry list of medications to himself - bupropion, gabapentin, fluoxetine, _ah,_ trazodone - and brings it back to him with a small cup of water.

Nico is quick to down the pills, and then he gets under the covers, curling up on his side.

Quietly watching Nico as he lays down, Will picks up the medicine bottle and starts toward the bathroom again to put it away.

“Will.”

He looks at Nico over his shoulder. “Yes, love?”

Nico’s expression is unreadable. “Stay.”

“I’m just going to put--”

“Don’t go.”

The way his voice cracks does not go unnoticed.

Biting his lip, Will nods and moves around to the other side of their bed. He sets the medicine bottle on his own side table and gets into bed, spooning Nico from behind, pulling him close against his chest.

Nico slowly exhales, as if he’s relieved to be in Will’s arms again.

Will buries his face in the crook of Nico’s neck and takes in his scent, peppering his pale shoulder with gentle, soothing kisses.

“You made it through another day, hon. I’m so proud of you, you’re still alive and breathing, you’re so strong. I love you, Nico. I love you so much.”

Nico’s reply is quiet. “...love you too.”

With a squeeze and another kiss to the shoulder, Will closes his eyes.

Something seems off, though.

Nico’s heart is pounding.

Figuring it’s just from today’s overexertion, Will pays it no mind. When Nico’s medicine kicks in, it’ll calm down enough for him to sleep.

Fifteen minutes later, his heart is beating faster.

Something is _very wrong_.

Will lifts his head, sitting up a bit. “Nico, baby? Are you alright…?”

Nico’s response is too quiet for him to hear.

Leaning over him in order to see his face, Will tries again. “What is it?”

“...you left.”

The sheer _defeat_ in Nico’s voice leaves Will uneasy and _extremely_ concerned. “I… what? I don’t understand…”

“My dream last night. You left.”

_He told me about his nightmare. It was different than usual._

Suddenly, Reyna’s text from earlier that evening makes so much more sense.

Will feels like he’s been stabbed in the heart. “Oh, _Nico_ \--”

“I don’t know if… you just went to work and never came back. I waited and waited and waited for you, but,” the despair in Nico’s voice grows exponentially with his next words, “I didn’t know if you’d been _killed_ or-- or if you’d decided you couldn’t do it anymore, I’d become too much of a burden, you couldn’t stand me anymore, or…”

Choking back tears of his own, Will squeezes him tighter, wrapping his body around the smaller man. “ _Nico_ …”

“I can’t do this without you, Will. I can’t lose anyone else. My mom, my sister-- if I lost you too, I-- I couldn’t _live_ anymore--”

Abruptly, Will sits up and touches Nico’s shoulder, guiding him onto his back. He straddles Nico’s hips and leans over him; he caresses Nico’s cheeks with shaking hands.

“Nico, listen to me. I would never, _ever_ do that to you. You’re _not_ a burden, don’t even think for _one second_ that you are.”

They’re both openly crying now, Will’s tears mixing with Nico’s against his ashen skin. “I couldn’t… if I ever did anything to hurt you like that, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I don’t care how bad it gets, how bad you think you are…” He swallows heavily. “I need you just as much as you need me, Nico.”

It's true. Will might be the more stable of the two, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have baggage of his own. Being a doctor is really tough on him: the long hours, sometimes working double shifts with barely any time to rest in-between; he’s had to perform multiple life-saving operations, some turning out for the better, and some…

Telling the families that their loved ones didn’t make it is the most difficult part. He struggles to keep up a professional façade, when on the inside, he's breaking down because _I couldn’t save them I couldn’t save them I’m worthless I’m worthless_ **_I’m worthless_**.

And on days like this, when he comes home wanting nothing more than to sleep for a week straight, Nico is always there with a comforting hug or a mug of warm milk with honey; he stays with Will and cuddles him until they both fell asleep.

Whether or not Nico knows just how much he helps Will, it’s undeniable that neither of them would survive without the other.

He stares up at Will now, eyes shining in the dim light. Their faces are pressed together, lips connecting again and again. Will can feel Nico’s hands clutching his back, nails digging in, desperately clinging to him as if he’d disappear.

“Will,” Nico murmurs against his lips, “I-- I need you to touch me.”

Will stops and pulls back, wiping at his eyes. “You…?”

“Please.”

He takes a moment to contemplate Nico’s request, but when taking his mental status into consideration… “I. Nico, I don’t know. You’re upset right now. You’re in a vulnerable state of mind and I don’t want to take advantage of that.”

The face Nico gives him makes him want to rethink his answer. “Please, Will. _Please._ I need you, I need to know that-- that you’re still _here_ , that you aren’t leaving me alone.”

“I’m _here_ , Nico, I’m always _here._ ” Will’s fingers gently trace the soft angles of Nico’s face, sweeping away the wetness on his cheeks, brushing hair out of his face. “I just… I’m worried that you’ll wake up tomorrow and be disgusted with me when you realize what happened. I don’t ever want to make you feel that way, love.”

Nico chokes back a sob, and the knife in Will’s chest twists painfully.

He caves in. “...but if this is what you really want, then I won’t deny you.”

Everything seems like a blur after that, a mess of limbs and hands and lips. Their bodies slowly move together; Nico holds on to Will as if his life depends on it, Will protectively hovers over him and whispers sweet nothings into his ears. Will doesn’t even care if he gets off or not, really - his sole focus is making Nico feel good, making him feel wanted and needed and loved.

Nico almost sounds like he’s crying again, the way he gasps and whimpers beneath him. Usually, the sounds his boyfriend makes during sex drives Will mad with desire, but there’s nothing particularly heated or passionate about it this time. Just the two of them, moving softly and slowly, as close as they can get to one another, with Will kissing Nico’s tears away and running warm hands all over the thin man’s body.

With a short cry, Nico climaxes, and Will slows his movements, ignoring the stickiness between them in favor of holding his boyfriend closely until he comes down from his high.

When Nico’s breathing calms, Will withdraws himself and gets up, quickly retrieving a washcloth from the bathroom.

“Will, you…” Nico’s gaze is focused on the lower half of Will’s body when he returns. “You’re still hard.”

“Don’t worry about it, Neeks,” Will replies as he cleans them both off. “I just wanted you to feel good, I couldn’t care less about satisfying myself.”

“But I want you to feel good, too,” Nico replies with a yawn.

Will smiles and bends down to kiss Nico’s forehead, stroking his soft hair. “It’s late, and you’re exhausted. I don’t mind taking a rain check until you’re feeling better.”

Nico opens his mouth to protest again, but Will is already back in bed, tugging him close.

“You okay now?” he asks quietly, as Nico moves to rest his head on his chest.

With a grunt of affirmation, Nico nods and throws an arm over Will, tangling their legs together. “Tired,” he murmurs.

Will wraps an arm around his shoulders as Nico makes himself comfortable. “Yeah, me too. It’s been a _really_ long day.”

They fall silent, and Will contents himself with staring at the ceiling, carding his fingers through his boyfriend’s loose curls and mulling over everything that had happened today.

Depression is not something to be taken lightly. It is nothing to be romanticized, nothing to dismiss as simple sadness. Depression is much more than that; it’s a void in your soul, a hole where your heart needs to be but isn’t. It’s a disease that spreads through your mind until your bones ache and your senses become numb and you’re left as an empty shell. Some handle it differently than others - some give in to the devils in their head and condemn themselves to the sleep of death.

But there are also those who fight it, who clash with it endlessly, day and night, every day of their life. It’s exhausting, and the thought of giving up is nothing new to them. Still, they power on. Some are able to overcome the monsters and take hold of their life again, and some may fight with it until they’re old and on their deathbeds.

Here’s the thing, though: while depression remains a terminal illness to some, it’s still fully treatable. With the right support system, with your warriors behind you and ready to back you up at a moment’s notice, it’s still possible for you to take the reins.

It’s up to you to make the final call, though, to make the decision to shout to yourself that you’re strong and capable, that you have a presence in this world, that you’re deserving of all the love that there is to be given. Only you can fix yourself, after all.

Nico has always been a fighter. He’s lived through things that many people should never have to experience - love and loss, the nightmares that life can bring, the beasts that rise from the abyss of your mind and tear you apart piece by piece.

The fight is far from over, though. There are still many trials for him to overcome, many more things that will try his tired soul until he feels like he’s drowning, many barriers for him to cross until he breaks free from the torment.

Will knows this, accepts this, and supports him in whatever he may do. And while Nico, stubborn, independent _Nico_ , may crash and burn every so often, Will is there to help him get back on his feet; he treats Nico’s wounds with love and care and warmth, he helps Nico rebuild his armor until he’s ready to head back into the fray.

“Will?”

The sound of Nico’s voice breaks him from his thoughts. “What is it, hon?”

Nico squirms a little before lifting his head, pressing his lips to Will’s jaw. “Thank you. I love you.”

Will smiles and returns the kiss with one to Nico’s hair. “I love you too. Always.”

There are always going to be days like this. Days where Nico listens to the monsters and loses his sense of self, days where he lets the disease control him. But when the sun sets and rises again, Will is there to remind him that today is a new day, a clean slate.

For everything that Will does for his boyfriend, there’s no doubt in his mind that Nico would do the same for him any day of the week.

With a sigh of relief, Will dozes off knowing that depression is not permanent, and it doesn’t define those who suffer from it. There is always a way to fight.

And by the way that Nico rests against him, completely relaxed and breathing softly, he can only hope that he was able to bring Nico some peace, if only for a moment.


End file.
